The only book about Britain that's worth reading is Notes from a Small Island by Bill Bryson, principally because Bryson combines three requisite qualities: 1) he's a top writer, 2) he spent a long time living in Britain, and 3) he is absolutely not British. People can't write well about themselves!

The only accurate descriptions about anyone must come from knowledgeable insiders - other people who know them well enough to form balanced judgements. It is my sincere hope that you will subscribe and get to know me through my writing. Judge me as you wish.

For now, I'll help by stating my strongest and least qualified opinions:

1. Cricket > rugby > ... literally anything other than soccer... > soccer.

2. Never trust a man who wears dress shoes without socks.

3. True coffee lovers don't care about quality - we'll drink pig swill if has bean-juice in it. Heck, there are times I'd happily mainline it into a testicle.

4. Pistachios taste better from the shell.

5. So long as you never visit small town America, you can believe every town is like Stars Hollow.

6. Sally Hawkins should have won the Best Actress Oscar for The Shape of Water.

7. If you can't remember why a stranger in a urinal gave you a disco biscuit, it's time to get clean (sixteen years and counting!).

8. None of the 500 million political commentators who have written about Taylor Swift this year have ever actually met her.

9. The afterlife is mostly just an ever lengthening queue to bang Elvis.

10. Nobody deserves more than ten strong and poorly qualified opinions.

11. Elvis is tired and needs to re-hydrate.

It’s in everyone’s interest that you subscribe.